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I was cold. I was wet. It was dark and I was stood shivering in the dark watching the empty soulless eyes that were the windows of my former home. Why was I here? Well, and I know this sounds bad; I was spying on my wife. When I say wife I meant my almost former wife.

We'd been married for 24 years, mostly good ones, but after all that time we grated on one another. So after a row over some trivial we decided that enough was enough and some reluctance I moved out of our home for the past 25 years. The first few weeks were littered with the odd row and disagreement but that all changed one Sunday morning when at 7am she called me over as there was an emergency. Fearing harm had come to our son at who was at university or our daughter who was still at home with my wife I jumped in my car and drove over to the house. Ringing on the doorbell I got no answer, so I rang it like mad until eventually Saskia opened the door. Standing in her white towelling robe she ushered me in quickly, asking what the problem was she I follow her upstairs to see. Then pushing me into the bathroom she hid behind the door. There is in the bath was a spider! It wasn't exactly a tarantula, but it was a fair size, I turned and asked. "Is that all?"

"Get rid of it please!" she begged, then from around the door she handed me a shoe to whack it with. Quickly it was dispatched with a thump, and some tissue in to the toilet and a good flush and it was gone. Peering round the door Saskia asked if it was safe to come in. Confirming sarcastically that the largest spider ever known to man was now ...

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