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TUPELO HONEY

It was late. The familiar hum of the computer tower filled my ears while the tapping of keyboard keys flooded my dark, quiet room. Every so often I could hear the sounds of a car passing by on the street below my open window. But for the most part it was me, my thoughts, my computer and nothing else. I was free to explore whatever I wanted, although mostly it ended up being free porn sites and ebay searches for miscellaneous cd's I was too cheap to buy new.

My eyes had the typical late night haze holding them open from staring too long at the computer screen. I was tired; I should be in bed. But something about the empty space in the bed made me shake my head no. I would write some more. I would surf the net. I would do anything but crawl into the big empty bed alone. Since he'd been gone I spent more and more late nights on the computer postponing sleep. Mostly I was fighting loneliness, a battle I was quickly losing. I needed a release. I needed to take a walk, to clear my head, to smoke a cigarette, even though I had quit months ago.

It was easier to quit when he was still living with me. But after he left it was harder to make the rationalizations for quitting. Yeah, there was my health. There was also my sanity. And right now, smoking was the one thing that would keep me from crying, so smoke I did.

...

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