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The holidays suck man; they suck big time. Everything bad that has ever happened to me has happened during the period that stretches from Thanksgiving to New Years.

It started when I was fourteen. The family was going to Hawaii the week after Thanksgiving for a two-week stay. God, but was I ever up for it. Two weeks on sunny beaches that would be wall to wall with gorgeous babes in bikinis. A true masturbator's paradise, except that I didn't go. Two days before we were scheduled to leave I slipped on a patch of ice, fell down two flights of stairs and ended up with my right leg broken in two places. The hotel and the airline tickets were prepaid and non-refundable so I was parked with my Aunt Louise and Uncle George while the rest of the family went off to have fun.

When I was fifteen my appendix burst three days before Christmas and I spent a week in the hospital. When I was sixteen I spent Christmas in the hospital again. That time it was because my tonsils had become inflamed and they had to be removed. The year I was seventeen I got to make another trip to the hospital where I was by now on a first name basis with the admitting clerk. My older sister who had recently married had the family over for Thanksgiving dinner. They said it was the turkey, but whatever it was it had the entire family in the emergency room having their stomach's pumped.

That brings me to this year. I'm eighteen and Christmas is in five days ...

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