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My buddy Frank was getting married and the bachelor party was going to be a fucking horror show.. Frank is a stone psycho, his brother Dominick is worse, and there would be 15 other crazed and dangerous guys along for the ride into infamy. Dominick planned the party. A big cookout at his place, lots of ribs and steak and beer, and then after everyone showered and dressed, we'd pile on a bus Dom rented and head off to Club Erotica, the best "gentleman's club" in the city, with three stages and 75 dancers and private lounges for lap dances and whatever lusty and slippery fun you might care for.

And I was voted designated driver.

"Hire a driver!" I protested to Dom. "Why don't I get to have fun too?"

"'Cause it's gonna be BAD, you know, and I don't want some poor asshole having to wait outside while we burn the place down. I mean, what if we bring some girl on the bus, to have some fun with Frankie? A civilian might object."

"Then why me?"

"'One, you know how to drive a bus, right? Two, and I mean this as a compliment, you're by far the most responsible guy in the bunch. You'll get us home in one piece."

...

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