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I knocked on the door to the hotel room. Dublin, Ireland, and I really wasn't sure of what I was about to do. Inside, I was nervous as hell. I couldn't believe I had come this far. I was shaking. Actually shaking.

I had met an older man online some months earlier. He was 48, married and experienced sexually with other men. I was 20, and very much a virgin when it came to being with a man.

I had found a fondness for dressing up a few years earlier, but it had taken me years to seriously think about going 'woman' for a man. The man I met in a chatroom was so kind and understanding, promising not to push me unless I asked. He admitted he was keen to meet me, keen to lick me, suck me and fuck me. I loved the attention, feeling so desired. He really turned me on. And when he told me he got turned on at the thought of me dressing in sexy lingerie I began to think more seriously about his offer to meet somewhere neutral.

We talked so often via email. About many things, but at least once in every email there was something sexy. We were really into each other.

During all this I began to explore my own body. I would love feeling something hard in my mouth, practicising giving a blow job. But what was really fantastic was getting down on all fours and then slowly sliding something (most usually a pen) into my ass. I had a tight hole. Really tight. I was often scared of what my lover would do to me if we ...

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