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I woke up a non-virgin the next day, to find that the sun still rose in the east, the skies were still blue, and I still had to take out the Reid's goddam garbage. I crawled out of bed around seven and took a quick shower to clean out the cobwebs. I pulled on a pair of mesh shorts and a T-shirt and went next door to do my duty.

It was early, and even with the shower my mind was still a bit fuzzed. So while I noticed the shiny black 2002 Lexus parked across the street, I didn't think anything of it. Maybe the Johnson's had splurged, or they had rich early-morning guests. I just wanted to take out the trash and retire to the kitchen to enjoy a bowl of cereal.

There were three trash cans and a number of boxes to toss, so I got to work, dragging and toting. It took me five trips to get it all out. As I walked into the garage for the last time, debating the merits of Lucky Charms versus Cheerios for my breakfast, I saw nothing else that needed pitched. I decided on Cheerios (a more mature cereal, as befitting my new manly status), and headed out the door.

Then it hit me, like a hammer to the pinky finger. I hadn't opened the garage door. Hadn't gone to the mailbox to get the opener. I'd walked straight to the garage and found it open.

I skulked out of the garage and headed down the driveway to the mailbox. The garage door opener should have been inside. I pulled open the black ...

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