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He was my first FWB.

Not counting the guy who taught me how to vid sex and started the whole Yolo-ball rolling. That guy who gave the word "Shot" a new meaning.

Butler Guy went missing in action for almost a year. The famous ghosting played well by almost all Koreans and by a few of the younger Asians I'd encountered here in the US.

How do you define ghosting? I wouldn't count the ones where conversations fade or those who didn't really start when you knew the second the dating match was made that it wasn't right. No, those are normal parts of the dating game. Finding the right match was tough. And, after two years of chatting with strangers, I'd learned to hone my radar for losers and non-compatibles.

I still feel bad for telling the guys it wasn't gonna work. Rejection is hard to do and it was so much easier to disappear. Still, I feel as adults we should try to face the music because we can, and should.

It isn't helping the other person. It is better to rip the bandaid than to give false hope. And saying this, I am guilty of it too, but I try my best not to schedule a meeting when I wasn't planning to go or block or delete a person without an explanation because I know how it hurts.

Butler Guy doesn't speak much and keeps his stress and sorrows to himself. I knew he was having a hard time running his restaurant business. He was young when I first met him.

"How old are you?" I asked.

"Why?" he replied in text.

"Because you look really young," I replied. And super cute with the Korean hair-style, slim built and unlike most Koreans, large almond-shaped brown eyes.

"It doesn't matter," he said. "I like you and I think you are very beautiful, that's all that matters."

Sweet words. Those K guys were brilliant with them. Knowing how to melt the hearts of all those vulnerable women seeking their dream guy.

Well, I had my dream guy, married and hooked with my kids. H was everything I needed and yet, greed and partly regret got us to Yolo and so here we are.

"Thanks,"I said.

Butler was good. He knew how to keep me coming back for more. He didn't give me the one thing that I wanted. For the many times we vid play, never once he came.

"Don't you cum?" I asked after one hour of showing him my orgasms and contorting in all the different sexy positions he wanted. With him, cumming four times and squirting three times was normal. Maybe he was the reason why I was losing weight. All that exercise and moving on the wooden floor was enough home exercise.

"I like you too much. I don't want to cum. I want to play with you all night," he said.

Was he for real? Sounded nice when he said that but after the many sessions we had, I wanted that damn cum. Did he forget I have a cum fetish? If there isn't a completion, I feel incomplete.

"I'm very competitive with sex," I tell everyone.

It's true. Even with H, I need to one up him. If he had lost more weight or did ten more sit-ups than I, I needed to do that too. If I knew he was seeing more women than I was that week, I feel I needed to meet more guys too.

Perhaps it was the Asian in me that made me the way I am. Nurture vs. Nature. The never-ending question about why we are the way we are.

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