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Secret

Three months in. No one knew of our new dating lives. There were no rules. The road was paved in tall grass, and a mist clouded as far as we could see. Everything wasn't smooth sailing. I'd been tripping over live wire more than once and gone on my knees begging for the mistakes I'd made.

No vid playing when the kids were around. No meeting guys in the same industry as H was. No telling personal information. Waiting till he had met someone before I could meet mine. The rules were iffy then and I was too excited to know my limits.

"Now we have to tell someone we know," H said. "You tell a friend and I'd tell mine."

"Whhaaaat?" It was one thing to play with strangers and snickering among ourselves about what we said and did. The roasting, pokes and pics. Everything was new and fun. Behind the screens and even meeting these strangers, our lives were split between what was real and what was new real.

Was I ready to show this new me? It was easier for H because men vs men, there could be that acceptance that dudes had but women were different.

Society had always frown on the loose women who wanted more than what she deserved. One woman, one man. Marriage was such. There wasn't another option. Harems were meant for one man to spill his seed and spread as far as he could. Vice versa? The Patriarchal society wouldn't allow for it.

"Don't tell his wife," I told H. His pal was easy going and super open. In his college days he was into dr*gs and slept around. Once he'd watched a threesome as he smiled high on his dr*gs.

His wife, on the other hand, was different. And like many moms I knew, sleeping around with other men while married would be horrendous. In the ancient days, maybe stoned.

"She won't get it." I shook my head. "Please tell him not to do it."

"Okay. You can trust him. He won't tell," H said.

Yes. I couldn't bare the judgement in her eyes. I was a new cougar taking my baby steps.

"You tell your friend," he said.

"My friend? What friend?" I said. Yes. I was a MILF with no friends. A sore point on my part. It was bad enough I couldn't find a girl friend to share my hobbies and now with this new life of mine. I definitely wasn't Carrie B in ‘Sex in the City'.

"Tell your ex-BFF," he suggested. My decades in the US went in a flash. My BFF from high school. She was once my bridesmaid in a past almost forgotten. She had gone through some rough patches on her side and was recently divorced. No kids, just her own free life to do whatever she wanted.

I'd wondered more than a few what that life was like. To just focus on my work and travel as I wanted. A small apartment for myself and hanging out with some friends once in a while, to be free to do whatever. She wasn't the only one with such a life. A few guys whom I spoke to who were in their mid-thirties had chosen not to marry, preferring a single life with friends.

"Why don't you want to marry?" I asked my FWB in Korea. He was the second one who passed the long-distance test, chatting with me often enough to share our thoughts and feelings about life. Sex wasn't the only thing on his mind. He was the most chill and oldest of all the guys I hung out with. When we met the second Summer in Seoul after chatting for a year, he appeared older than me, though I was older than him by ten years.

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